Monday August 23, 2010

Chemotherapy has both saved and ruined my life.

If left untreated, acute leukemia--like I was diagnosed with in December of 2007--will strip the human body of its blood supply, and immune cells, within about a month. 

Luckily, I was born in the last part of the 20th century.  Thus, chemotherapy was available to treat my cancer.  Within a month I was in remission, and my prognosis was good.

But, leukemia has a high relapse rate, especially in men.  So the entire treatment protocol lasts 3 years. 

In April 2011, I'll finish my last round of chemo and what a lovely, lovely day that will be.  :-)

Until then I marinate in a constant bath of various pills, IV pushes and steroids that keep my bone marrow in check, and, with it, any rogue leukemia cells trying to make a comeback.  This cocktail of drugs is on a 28 day cycle.  The 6th and 7th day of each cycle are the worst.  They are the perfect storm of drug interactions that leave me an emotional, nauseated, hollow mess of a human. 

So what better time to have those awful days then in the last few rehearsals leading up to the performances of my musical sam i was this weekend in SLAC's new Fearless Fringe Festival?! 

I take method acting to a whole new level. 

I play myself in "sam i was" which seems like it should be really easy, but actually I have to concentrate to keep my character active and emotionally open.  Actual memories from my experiences of cancer will suddenly spring out of the boxed up areas of my mind and weave in with the theatrical version I've created, shocking me with their immediacy and strength.  I injected the pain and trauma of chemotherapy into this play, and left it there.  And now that I'm playing through it again, the box is back open, and with it, things I'd left untouched and unprocessed. 

It's good though!  Death no longer seems to loom around every corner like it did before.

Life is a promise I'll let myself make again. 

Now my goal is just to share this irreverent story with anyone who will listen.  Larry West is guiding the show along wonderfully.  The cast is phenomenal. The music is catchy and tear jerking, especially under the skillful music direction of JD Dumas.  I'm proud of myself and of this show.

And I'm nauseated, cranky, and waiting for my chemo to end.

sam i was Company

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